I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
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his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
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If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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