Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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