After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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