I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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