new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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