He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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