He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
