you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
