I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
