ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
