Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My vagina just recognized that song.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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