I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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