nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just found a bag of teeth...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
