i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You dont lie about slip and slides
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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