so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
