im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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