i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
