I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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