Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
