Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
