I'm lost and stupid without you.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
