So gin and wine won't be happening again
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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