My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
