can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
