and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
