Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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