go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
