Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
