no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
