dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
