I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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