I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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