I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
