i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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