State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
