I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
