Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
