I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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