if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
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He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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