I wish I could teleport
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
