Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
pray to the hookup gods
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
