Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
What a dumb baby whore.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
