my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dignity is for republicans.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
