remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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