pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize