my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
