i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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