Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
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No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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