I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize