My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
