If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
