Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
