sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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