There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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