I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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