good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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