I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
